TAT- Mom Guilt

Growing up Geeky's topic today is "Your Mom".

I'm pretty sure she doesn't want us to write sophomoric jokes that go something like "Yo Mama's so dumb that she tripped over a cordless phone", but rather reflect on relationships that we have with our mother.

This is still a pretty raw subject for me given what is going on with my mom currently.  There is a complicated dynamic between my mother and I, not that it makes me a special snowflake, don't all mother and daughters have this?

I'm really struggling with how to even write this post.  Do I write about what I love about my mom and what I'm going to miss about her?  How the anger/hurt has returned to me with my mom right now?  About how fortunate I am to have had other motherly influences in my life?  About the guilt I feel that my brother has been burdened by her more than I because I moved away?  How I'm sad I won't can write about how she is my BFF and all the fun shit we do together and how I can't go two days without calling her?  How I don't have a picture of her with her grandsons and can't rave about her grandmotherly ways?  How every time I talk to her I just expect her to say "it's almost time"?   I should just grab the tissues now.

We had her Life party a couple of weeks ago.  I was fine during the party, but before and after I was an anxious mess.  It seemed so surreal.

I feel like things are so superficial with us.  I feel like I'm a horrible daughter for being selfish and how I'm feeling about her illness.  Guilty for how I feel I need to process it instead of pushing it all aside, all the years of anger and hurt, and just focusing on her.  I feel so weak. I feel so cruel.  But I've never been good at faking my feelings.  I really wish I could right now.

I can't even look at her in the eyes.  It hurts too bad.  She physically doesn't resemble the mother I grew up with anymore and I know that the cancer is going to make her deteriorate even worse before this is all said and done.  Tick. Tick. Tick.  Time is ticking by.

I feel so confused about the present and future with us.  I had everything settled.  I was OK with the relationship we had created now that fights were no longer a daily occurrence. Now I just feel this incredible amount of pressure on us.  Pressure on me as human being in general and how life, forgiveness, and love works in general.

Sorry this kinda turned into emotions being thrown up.  Thanks for reading and saving me a trip to my therapist this week.

Head over to Growing up Geeky for more stories on moms, don't worry, they are more light-hearted :)